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cybers · Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 6:55 am Post subject:

BBC News: Wolfs kill Canada woman singer as she walks home through forest

I wonder did they go throught the whole "what great big teeth you have" routine

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wee minx · Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:38 am Post subject:

The kids filed back into class Monday morning .. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off:

"I sold girl guide cookies and I made £30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made £45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"£2,467," he said.

"£2,467!" cried the teacher,

"What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,

"I set up a Chip and Dip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a sample.

They all said the same thing,

"Hey, this tastes like sh!t!"

Then I said,

"It is sh!t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

wee minx · Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:54 am Post subject:

A Chinese friend of mind left a strip of wood in my path and I fell over it,
I can't decide if he did it on purpose or not, although he did say it was a prank..

wee minx · Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:59 am Post subject:

What do you call a 20 stone Glasgow prostitute?

A weighty f**k.....

, took me a few seconds there, then I sprayed my tea all over the place.

ps...sorry if its offensive to Glasgow, postitutes, or chubby ladies, but it's a cracker

cybers · Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 4:19 pm Post subject:

And so the spat coffee continues

Silly Court !!!
"and I put it to you your honour, that once adorned with tinsel and baubles it was no longer a cannabis plant but a Christmas tree!"
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cybers · Posted: Sat Oct 31, 2009 2:56 am Post subject:

The scene is Bishopbriggs Primary School , Glasgow.

Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.' Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge, so I am. This is goannae be a doddle!'

Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front.

'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'

Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined..

Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?' Wee

Murray 's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'.

Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front: 'Yes Tarquin.'

Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'

Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.'

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.

He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation..

Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'

Wee Murray 's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know.

Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'.

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front.

'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent):

'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.'

Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.'

Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming: 'WHERE THE fcuk DID ALL THESE ENGLISH BASTARDS COME FROM?'

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?'

Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, 'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn, 1314. See ye on Tuesday, Miss.’
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Doog Doog · Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 8:01 pm Post subject:

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cybers · Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:51 am Post subject:

I went into a PC World the day and a woman working there said to me:
"If you need help with anything, I'm Alison".
I had never met a woman with a conditional identity before.
I thought: If I don't need help, who is she..?
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cybers · Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 5:19 am Post subject:

Zippo lighters, Audi Cars, Dolby Sound & Damart clothing are gonna merge.

New company name is Zip Audi Do Dar.
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Doog Doog · Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 1:05 pm Post subject:

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